All The Things

19 Oct 2017

Underground

The tunnel is dark, warm and wet. The walls are made of deep crimson flesh and pulsate slowly alongside the distant thumping beat of the city above. By the side of this tunnel, on the platform, a huge, bulbous troll sits napping on a blue plastic chair that is far too small for him, a huge rusty halberd resting precariously across his knees. Slowly it seems he is nodding off, his head lolling glacially in front of his chest, and just at the point where he might fall off, suddenly there is a scream far away, deep down the tunnel itself, a scream that echoes off the walls and jolts the troll awake. He wipes a fleck of drool away from his mouth with the back of his hand. A bright white light shines through the murk, highlighting floating grey motes and red speckles that hang in the air drifting. All at once, a gargantuan slimy worm careens its way past the platform, its pink skin steaming, and glistening with translucent slime. It stops at the far end of the platform and its head wends its way up the wall until it finds a feeder bag full of rotting hay hanging from a large hook. The troll stands up and sighs. He lumbers over towards the worm, raises his halberd and slowly, but with surgical precision, slices across its belly. Pink fluid spurts out, splashing the trolls shins. Then a torrent of thick liquid pours out of the wound and the worm shudders. So too come fleshy lumps and the innards of the great beast. But the lumps are holding briefcases and appear through a thick skin of pink fluid to be in suits. Then the lumps stand up one by one, and they hurriedly brush off as much liquid from their suits as possible. They are off to work, and walk towards the exit past the tail of the worm, and in a loose gaggle, minding eachothers step and gazing past one another as though they dont exist. The troll watches them leave, pauses, and pulls up his ill fitting trousers with a satisfied hoik. He shuffles over to a metal and wooden lever by his blue plastic seat and pulls it down with a thunk. Then, there is a mechanical hiss as underneath the great worm a long trapdoor opens, and the worm falls down through it, its slippery entrails on the platform unravelling like warm rope, before they too whip away in a flash. The troll sits down heavily and the legs of the plastic chair bend under his weight. They break.

Classroom

I took a long walking holiday across the Scottish Highlands with one of my best friends. It was the first extended expedition i'd ever ...